Just Fall

I’ve mentioned a few times now how much I LOVED Laurie Wagner’s online writing course, Telling True Stories. 5 weeks of assignments and lessons, a supportive community for feedback, and great prompts to get you going – and there’s a new session coming up September 10th! If you’re like me and you need just a little push to get you going, this class is for you. I found that the structure and the schedule of assignments really kept me honest about writing – I found it easier to make time for it since I had invested in myself through the course.

Here’s a piece that I wrote in the course of the class, working with the prompt, “Just Fall.”

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Just fall. I see them do it all the time – throw themselves to the ground and roll, hardwood floors, bruises everywhere that they never see never feel. Just fall – how I try to avoid it, too. How I don’t want to feel pain don’t want to feel the lasting embarrassment, the lasting shame of making a mistake, even when I try to laugh at myself about it. Just fall – they are like little comic actors, specialty: physcial comedy, falling down, sprawling really, it looks almost accidental but they way they manage not to hit their faces (most of the time) alerts you to the truth – they are great actors. They are great at falling, at playing at silly. I try to do it – I really do try, and I am pretty good at it, better than most parents, the silliness, the songs I will sing, the way i will easily make a fool of myself as long as it’s deliberate, as long as its a performance, as long as there’s a chance you will see me, you will think I’m a good parent, because look – she’s playing, she’s singing silly songs about popcorn and little ponies and she’s galloping with the kids around the gym, she’s leading the kids in a shadow stomping competition, yelping with fake pain when they stomp her shadow-head. At least that’s what I hope you think when you see me. You might be thinking, good god, get that woman a real job, she’s having entirely too much fun, she has no decorum, no self respect. Doesn’t she know that kids are supposed to be taught, led by adults and not played with, not given respect, not not not not partnered with, not befriended. Please. She needs boundaries. She must have had kids too young.

Just fall, I want to want to more than I actually want to. I want to be more interested in their games and their playing than I am in reading that blog about ways to extend the harvest here in the pacific northwest, more than that status update of an unschooling friend and her love affair of cuisenaire rods, more than the fiction book I waited for four months at the public library to read and finally got, and now I still can’t pull myself away from facebook, email, instagram and flipboard. So much information to take in, so many ways to make myself better, to offer my kids more, to save money to write better, to meet people I admire all over the country, that I’d like to know better. So many ways to dream my way out of the small house in the city with the tiny lot and no fence in the backyard, though it does have the knottiest old crazy Shiro plum tree that uprooted itself once, and the arborists saved it by leaning it on a limb – now it sits there on a tripod, trying to bear fruit, but mostly not. But it does flower amazing beautiful white flowers in the spring, looks like its covered in snow or magic. And it’s a fantastic climbing tree – knots everywhere, limbs climbing out gradually instead of straight up. I would miss the plum tree, the lilac, the raspberries that didn’t come back as much as I thought they would, the tiny raised bed gardens we put in. But I wouldn’t miss the way I feel like the neighbors hate us, the only renters in a owner-occupied neighborhood, in a clearly deteriorating house, holes in the back porch that we’re afraid to call the property manager about, since we don’t want to call attention to ourselves, give them an excuse to raise the rent. I would miss the little boy next door who my older son loves, only a year apart, and they play so well now and are at the age where we don’t have to be outside with them anymore – the fears that they will run into the alley and get run over are pretty much gone.

But I do so dream of another house – a house to fall in love with, make my own, be able to paint, tear up the yard and plant the biggest most ridiculous garden you have ever seen, an impossible garden for the Pacific Northwest. And get chickens. And have projects we don’t have room for and space for the kids to run around without worrying about the alley. We’re dreaming of something right now, that I’m so scared won’t come to anything I’m so scared it’ll be another dead end, the one millionth dead end we’ve come to this year after some major disappointments that might have been blessings in disguise, I guess, how am I to know. I do so feel like we’re waiting for something, some circumstance to change before we take our leap and fly, before we cut ourselves off from work that doesn’t fulfill us that only provides us with the money to survive and then the extra that we can never seem to save, that gets funnelled into activities we call “sanity tax”, that allow us to live the way we do now without going insane – going out to eat when we’re too tired, little trips when we get bored, books to buy to keep us engaged and moving forward, always forward, always more, always learning always improving…

Just. Fall.

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6 thoughts on “Just Fall

  1. goodness gracious – this is so flipping beautiful and real and I hung on to every damn word! This piece made me feel you, care about you, wish I were your neighbor, your secret santa – I LOVE THIS PIECE! Thank you for sharing it with the world!

  2. This was really beautiful – and I can relate to SO MUCH of it. Playing with my kids, being goofy, having fun, thinking about what others think, but then being drawn to the computer – FB, blogs, INFORMATION, and the pull between meeting that need in myself but really wanting to be present with my kids.

    I hope some things start falling into place for your dreams! I know we have them here too <3

    • Thank you so much, Susan! It is so hard to be pulled in so many directions – I think I’d need to live 100 lives to feel like I really got to experience and learn as much as I’d really like!

  3. I love the way you put this out there! My kids asked me the other day when I stopped “playing” in the water (because now I just float-evidently). From that point on, I have tried to play-at least part of the time while we are at the pool. I must admit: I love to float! :)
    As my kids are getting older, I am making a big effort to stay off of the technology when they are around. I want them to know they are always more important than any type of technology. I also want to be a good role model as they get older-no talking on the phone in the car, no technology at the table, etc. We will see how it pans out!
    Thank you again for a beautiful post!

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